Components Of Couple Negotiated Time-Out

Step 1: Awareness

Descriptor: Learning to recognize internal cues that anger is escalating.

Additional considerations: (a) Partners may have different comfort levels with intense emotion; one may be ready for a time-out before the other has reached his/her warning level; (b) both partners take ownership for their responses and agree to act in a way that maintains safety.

Step 2. Staying Within the Safety Zone

Descriptor: Deciding that anger may escalate past the safety zone and a time-out is needed.

Additional considerations: Either partner may initiate a time-out. The victim may feel more in controlknowing that she can initiate should her own or her partner’s anger escalate.

Step 3. Signaling

Descriptor: The initiator signals a time-out using a hand gesture, such as a “T” symbol saying in a calm voice "I am going to take a time-out".

Additional considerations: Partners negotiate what the signal will be and select one that is clear and not threatening.

Step 4. Acknowledging

Descriptor: The other partner acknowledges the time-out.

Additional considerations: Partners plan ways to resist the urge to continue the argument.

Step 5. Disengaging

Descriptor: Partners go to separate locations.

Additional considerations: Partners negotiate a specified location, plans for casing for children, and amount of time needed for the time-out.

Step 6. Cooling Off

Descriptor: Partner who initiates time-out spends time doing calming activities.

Additional considerations: Both partners may need to cool off and may need help in finding ways to calm themselves.

Step 7. Returning

Descriptor: Partners reconnect and continue discussion if calm.

Additional considerations: Partners know they have the option of taking another time-out, tabling the discussion until their next session or dropping the discussion altogether.